Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
