shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
