Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize