mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
