i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
