paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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