Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
