Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
