He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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