I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize