Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
