i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
