I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
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