ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
