Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
