I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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