You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
