i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
