So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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