he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
