i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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