he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
