I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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