I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
