she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
birth control should be required to get into college
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
