I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
