dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
