the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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