My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
