you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
