he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize