just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
