Kiss
Puke
never play flip cup with pint glasses
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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