Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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