Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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