you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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