I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
