the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Randomize
