They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
honey bunches of taint.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
