i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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