Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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