Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
