I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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