I wish my penis had an off switch
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
