My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
