she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
