just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
