Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
