Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
