remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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