Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Did I show you my penis last night?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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