summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
