he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
