my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
