when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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