As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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